About Me

Hey look it's my blog. It boasts features such as a garishly unprofessional custom colour scheme and hugely irregular updates. It is a personal autobiography that exists more for the sake of its writer than its readers. There are many hats and cats involved, and Batman gets his fair share. Basically it's great and everyone should read it. Please care about me and think that I'm cool.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

A poorly edited essay on memes.

Last time we talked a little about my growing interests in cocktail mixing and dumpster diving. Neither of these interests have yet waned, and resultantly I have spent more this month on alcohol than I have on food.

I've been trying to memorise the IBA's official cocktail list; so far I'm on about thirteen out of eighty. Progress has slowed down a little now that the semester is under way proper. Last week I made a clover club from memory. That felt pretty good. This evening I tried to make a boozier variant of the Scotch Solace by taking out some of the milk and cream. It still needs work: the Cointreau was a little too noticeable for my taste. People who love me have been asking about my drinking habits. I'm grateful for that support.

Dumpster diving has been getting increasingly exciting. The last couple of trips yielded (among other things) an almost unmanageable number of eggs, some pork belly and a chicken. I ate a massive omelette today. Also about seven tiny cakes. And a hot cross bun.

Here are some of the best finds of my career so far:
  • Record player
  • 11 bottles of beer
  • Two bottles cologne, almost unused
  • Lots of chocolate
  • Novelty heart shaped crumpets, which I ate alone.
------anyway----that's----enough----of---that----------------------------------------------------

It's the CU's events week. All of the CU guests were asked their favourite meme. Their collective meme knowledge was shocking.

Here is a meme I have enjoyed:
This meme is about memes
It means I've made it
------No------for------real-----nobody------even------cares----about---that-----==nonsense-----

I'll try again tomorrow. I will try harder I promise.

                                *                                                                      .           *                
  *                  .                                      .                            
                                     *     <-- .="" nbsp="" p="" star="">*               .                          .                      *                               .  [moon]
           .                                                                          *                            
 ____-------___           *    ______________------_
{                       ------------                                       }
{______________cloud_____________________}   (this is a visual aid to help you understand that I am going to sleep now)

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You know what let's talk about memes some more. I'm tired of pretending that I don't find them fascinating.

[author is distracted by memes for like twenty minutes]

memes
In real life, the objective quality of a joke is often quite secondary to the interpersonal connection it facilitates: The archetypal child secretly savours the opportunity to groan loudly at incoming 'dad jokes'. Friends will rally low quality puns between themselves long after they have ceased to be amusing in their own right.

Not so with the internet.

[[This blog has an avid and diverse readership. For the benefit of otherwise bewildered readers, let's define the word 'meme':

  • A meme is basically just a joke on the internet. AKA:
    • 'funny'
    • 'e-joke, my dude]]
++++
Mildly Interesting Aside: The philosopher biologist Richard Dawkins actually invented the word 'meme' to describe a unit of information which mutates in a manner analogous to DNA. It's all part of this theory that's supposed to explain sociological constructs like morality as the product of the human fight for survival (or something idk). People don't go mad for it anymore, but I think it's pretty cool that the word 'meme' has itself taken on an adapted meaning.
++++

If you've ever wasted three minutes of your life watching one of those ubiquitous spoken word videos on the subject of social media, you will be ((woke)) to the fact that interaction on the internet often lacks the depth and sincerity of its real life counterpart. As such, the only only real measure of a joke's value on the world wide web is how funny it is. But what makes a joke funny? I consulted a respectable joke expert, and he told me it's all about:


  •  
  •  Novelty / Familiarity


Jokes are normally funny because they involve a familiar context or structure being juxtaposed with some illogical or surprising element. Doctor-doctor jokes are a prime example of this interaction of the novel with the mundane: But for the sobriety of the doctor's office, this myriad of delightful punchlines would lose all comedic value. Additionally, it has been my experience that the familiarity of the build-up somehow increases the funniness of the punchline, as though the memory of jokes previously told enhances the experience of listening to the one being told presently. [[joke scientists call this the subversion of expectation or something idk]]

We've already looked at how memes, unlike conventional jokes, cannot depend on the pleasure of connecting with people in order to warrant their own existence. The internet is a fast paced, disconnected place. Memes must be funny. Combined with the ridiculous volume of generated content and relentless pace of propagation that the internet enables, this criterion fuels a kind of non-stop arms race in which only the funniest of memes can survive. This is the memosphere.

Here is an important meme diagram:

figure 1 (credit: Welcome to my meme page [f])
This diagram is pretty useless, but the meme itself is useful. It is the work of meme pioneer 'Welcome to my meme page'. WTMMP is a self described distributor of 'absurdist' memes:

But what is an 'absurdist' meme? How did we get here? You'll be pleased to know I've been doing my meme research, so I can help you learn. Let's start at the beginning, in the 'pre-ironic' meme era.

[[by the way I stole most of these ideas from a fascinating presentation]]
This is a pre-ironic meme:


This meme is dead. It's about seven years old. It is part of a library of similar memes, which all share the key elements of top text, bottom text and a central animal. A small alphabet of animals is used to divide the memes into functional categories. The top text provides the context of the joke / idea, and the bottom text serves as a kind of punchline. In this example, the central animal is a 'socially awkward penguin', and the text is describing a socially awkward situation. No irony here. Notice, though, the importance of exclusive language - the fullness of the meme's meaning is only really available to one with the cultural toolkit required to decipher it.

Memes like this were okay, but they got pretty boring in the end. Certain online forums were always one step ahead of others in terms of meme generation, creating the language that others were merely learning. Over time, the cultural rift between those who actively sought spicy memes and those who passively enjoyed them grew wider. Those who prided themselves in their meme taste assigned increased value to novelty, and began referring to the unenlightened as 'normies'. Predictably, memes about memes began to emerge, often berating or impersonating mainstream meme practices. Just as the impressionists had deliberately painted with visible brushstrokes, so now meme makers were conveying concepts using the form of the meme itself. These were ironic memes.

^^ ironic meme
This is a deep fried meme. Deep fried memes are a particular kind of ironic meme in which low quality, 'normie' memes are stolen or invented and then heavily edited to reflect their low quality. A lot of these edits are exaggerations of naturally occurring phenomena, such as the presence of water-marks and the distortion that occurs when images are downloaded and subsequently re-uploaded. The above meme is belittling online content that uses existing franchises (Minecraft and Family Guy) to create unimaginative content that appeals to a mainstream audience whilst desperately self promoting. 

Ironic memes can be funny, but at times they can be just as formulaic and tiresome as the memes that they set out to replace. This has lead to a new meme movement, the meme-world's answer to postmodernism: post-ironic memes.

credit: NEEM
The above meme is like my favourite meme of the month. I'm not really even sure if it's a meta-ironic meme, I've sort of lost track of what all the different words mean. In the above image, a trending meme template has been deconstructed and turned on itself: Conventionally, the images in one column serve as nonsensical indicators of the quality of the ideas denoted in the other. Here, each image is aligned with another image, creating an infinite, nonsensical loop. The comedy is largely contextual - this meme comes from our friends at 'Non-Existent Existentialist Memes', who use meme comedy to satirize / celebrate nihilistic philosophy. The meme in question is effectively saying 'Nothing has any objective value or worth, lol".

Anyway apparently there's like meta-ironic memes and stuff, but to be honest I don't think this kind of linear system is adequate to categorize memes any more.

This has gone far enough. I'll leave you with a selection of memes I have enjoyed.

BMfBBwBP

Is that a meme? Dunno defining terms is for dummies.

Add caption



What a catastrophic waste of time

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Don't Drink and Dive

I've been developing hobbies which put my health at risk.

Mixology

Mixology is cocktail making. I'm not really sure why they call it that, because 'cocktail making' gives people a lot more information using exactly the same number of syllables. All that really matters is that it's a socially acceptable way to drink alone.

About two days ago I was playing with the idea of becoming a professional bartender. For just fifteen hundred pounds you can spend a month learning the craft at a prestigious international bartender school, whereafter you will promptly be snapped up by some classy watering hole and never have to worry about anything again. The only drawbacks are that you sometimes work for six hours at a time without breaks, and you can never see anybody you love ever again because they're always asleep.

I will probably not become a professional bartender. I might see if I can get some work over the summer or something. Besides, it would be pretty stupid to accrue debt at a rate of over a grand a month in order to obtain a qualification you weren't really sure you were wanted.

Well, here's a cocktail recipe:

(by the way a measure is 25ml)

Scotch Solace

1 measure scotch
1/2 measure Cointreau
1 tsp clear honey
1 measure double cream
15cl milk

Okay shake it all with some ice, then strain it into a tumbler.
Some recipes say you put everything in the serving glass and stir, but that's lazy / total bunk. Dairy needs shaking innit.

Grate a little orange zest over the top. It should look very beautiful, like in this well-lit, high resolution photograph:

this place sure is classy

I left all my cocktail making stuff at home, so I put this together using a mason jar, a sieve and several teaspoon measures in combination. I used some 'Smoky Black Grouse' that was reduced to clear in Sainsburys. Rich and well rounded, but a little peaty. I think it works well here. 

A measure is a tablespoon and two teaspoons
Half a measure is two and a half teaspoons
If you don't hold the mason jar's lid down firmly, you'll get milk on the floor
You can't pour from a mason jar through a sieve into a mug

It's difficult to mix using a mason jar, and a lot of the honey got stuck to the bottom. I advise putting the honey in last and shaking immediately.

Ngl this was pretty nice. I was a little apprehensive about the milk - orange combo, but it works. The zest makes a noticeable difference to the drink's olfactory profile. 

It's pretty easy drinking, would probably be good for getting restless kids to sleep. I remember thinking "this tastes a lot like milk" and "I think my little sister would drink this". I'll probably use a bit less milk next time and see what happens.

health jeapordising hobby number two

bin-diving

Sometimes there's a blurry line between pursuing a sustainable lifestyle and just trying to be really edgy. I've been looking for free food in bins. Don't tell my mum.

I now owe my mother my life twice over, thanks to her timely and well informed reply to a text I sent her asking if it was safe to eat chicken that was a week out of date. My friend Ash also helped me to make the right decision, so the credit for my unspoiled vitality goes partly to him.

No joke bin diving's pretty profitable if you know where to look. Y'all don't know where to look and I'm not going to tell you. Here's my first haul:

  • Packet of chicken kievs
  • Two packets of sausages
  • Packet of bacon
Look Mum I know you sometimes read my blog because you love me despite my deplorable copy-editing skills. Please don't be concerned by my stealing raw meat from bins. I am being very careful. Thank you for telling me not to eat the chicken. I love you very much.

So yeah my hobbies are drinking and climbing into bins. Maybe my dream job is homelessness. Excitingly, I'm going to go bin diving right now and then come back and tell you what I find.

little stars idk:
*********************************************************************************

LADS I DONE GOOD

Everything I got last time came out of this one bin behind Morrissons, but that was basically empty this evening. As far as I could tell a homeless person had nabbed a couple of uncooked garlic breads and taken them to his / her nearby cardboard sleeping zone.

Not content with failure, I marched round to the tiny Broomhill Tesco. Before long I found myself the proud owner of:

  • Six little packets of fruit (sterilizing presently.)
  • A couple of bags of carrots, one bag of potatoes (bagged up and in cupboard)
  • Pseudo butter
  • Two large potatoes (since discarded due to perforations in packaging)
There was a huge surplus of carrots and margarine, but I just took what I felt I could manage.

That seems like a pretty good haul. 

BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE DEAR READER

Courtesy of Boots and Save the Children, I now possess:

  • Three sealed Olay eye lifting serums, coming in at a combined RRP of £30
  • Some Bay Rum, which I have begun to dutifully rub into my scalp
  • The Graduate on DVD
  • Pavarotti and Friends Vol.2
  • Sinatra: The Ultimate Christmas
  • An egg sandwich that went off today
  • A worn Italian briefcase
  • Two authentically American straw gambler hats, in need of renovation. 
As I was leaving two blokes came out of Balti King and asked me, in quite broken English, what I was doing. I mumbled something about 'up-cycling' and we all smiled approvingly.  Exciting stuff.

Here are my top tips for getting free stuff out of bins:

  • Don't eat stuff if you're not sure about it (ask your Mum)
  • Make sure stuff is sealed off
  • Sterilise stuff with very got water
    • Be aware that the process of heating and cooling some sealed packets can cause them to open a little bit.
  • Wear gloves
  • Wear a head-torch
  • Yeah that's about it.


Thursday, 19 January 2017

please read this the page-views help me to feel good about myself

I feel like I owe y'all a blog post, but sometimes my life involves prolonged periods of mundanity. Holidays are delightful, but also pretty uneventful. Mostly it's my own fault for playing so many video games when I should be wandering the streets and getting into fights or something.

Those of you who keenly follow the overarching narrative of this blog / my life will be thrilled to know that my sisters and I finished making that magnetic Diplomacy board in the summer. It's never been used and it doesn't really have anywhere to go, but I'm glad we did it. Maybe one day I'll have my own house with its own walls and everything. I'll share the house with six other people and we'll spend the duration of every meal talking our way through a tangled web of trust and deceit. 

*Context*
'Diplomacy' is an old board game. Players fight for control of Europe through a process of simple strategy and prolonged negotiation.
*K*

I'm pretty bad at Diplomacy. I think it might just take ages to learn. Here's the game I'm playing at the moment:
http://www.backstabbr.com/game/5659996774727680
I'm the Italians, which means I'll probably die sometime after the Germans and Russians have gone extinct. Maybe if I hand't upset the Austrians I'd still be okay. I get the impression that they trust Turkey implicitly. Bit stupid if you ask me. Anyway that's probably boring.

hyphens:
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My friends in London were all berating me for my lack of dress sense. I have since purchased a brown leather jacket from a local charity shop. That ought to show them. It's nice because I often find myself removing my jumper and putting it back on at regular intervals in order to regulate my temperature. The jacket seems just right for indoors during winter.  

I also bought a jumper. 

This is a fashion blog now.

The jumper is too big. More precisely, it's too long - both in sleeve and in torso. A lot of my shirts stick out the bottom of my jumpers, so I feel like this was a pretty rational purchase.

I think I might just be into ill-fitting garments. My caring, aesthetically sensitive peers are always warning me away from  over-sized garbs, but I keep coming back to them. They're comfortable. They're nice. Maybe it's just a phase. With any luck I'll grow out of it. Certainly preferable to growing into some of my shirts.

Look this hasn't been very exciting. That's stupid because I actually have some news that I'm excited about. 

I got a keyboard for Christmas!

My lovely, loving parents got me a keyboard for Christmas. I can play:

C scale (both hands at once)
D scale (independent hands)
A scale (I forget which one)
Different scale (E maybe?)

The chords to 'You don't Know Me' with my left hand
The bass riff from 'Stand by Me'

I can't yet sing 'Stand by Me' whilst playing the riff. Long way to go.

Well I hope that was alright. Feels a bit like the blog equivalent of anime filler, get me? Didn't even proof read it. I have an exam tomorrow. I'm going to bed.