Collected Works

Well it's midnight. I'm not very sleepy because earlier today I spent about four hours sleeping on the floor of my front room. I'm not sure why that happened.

My summer is about to kick off. I'm not doing anything right now because I set aside a couple of weeks to prepare for my seemingly inevitable resits, but then passed all my exams. This was an embarrassingly surprising turn of events. The third years on my course all say that second year is the hardest year, so if I learn how to try at anything then it might not be too late to make something of myself.

I've been making most of my time at home, investing in my relationship with my cat. She hurt her leg and was limping everywhere. Apparently it was very sad at first, but I only saw the funny cute part where she was hopping around. She's all better now.

My friend has a blog where he writes all about books he's been reading. Very good. Here is a review I wrote about the game 'BioShock: Infinite', a game I found time to play from start to finish despite all the important things I am doing:

"Yes, very fun. You can shoot the baddies with guns, but also you can make them die from crows. This central crow/gun mechanic doesn't really get old. Your girlfriend is from outer space and she gives you money all the time.

All of the islands are flying, and your heart rate too will be elevated when the puzzling narrative quantum leaps from here to the next. At the end of the game you will think "Oh maybe I get it" and "It sure would be good to play that again and gain a more insightful understanding into the statements it makes regarding human nature and our destructively selfish pursuit of personal redemption"

11/10 would set fire to hands again."

Here's an idea I had when I was watching The Hobbit II:
"If Smaug stopped protecting that treasure and everyone could just grab it, would the value of treasure plummet massively? Is he inadvertently safeguarding the global economy of Middle Earth?"

Look at these Russian kids lol they are my fave.

Soon I will have done so many activities that there won't be room to fit them on this exciting blog. For now we must content ourselves with this.

This is mostly about the film Groundhog Day

I've been driven to updating my blog through a combination of exam time procrastination and blog-neglect based guilt. I'm concerned that having these factors as my main motivation will result in a relatively unentertaining post. I have an exam in Hillsborough that starts in two and a half hours. I've created a Facebook event inviting people to come and play Risk at my house, and I'm sad that nobody has said they are coming yet. I rewrote the lyrics of BBK's 'Too Many Man' especially for it as a promotional item:

Shorty I rep Risk okay,

Monday to Sunday like Risk all day

You're fearful and tearful, I'm cheerful and giving you an earful; you've never been rekt this way 

Man get shook when they see me play

Pass the red dice then see me slay

Seem happy when we start the game but they're always bare vexed when they go away

YOU NEED TO PUT A HORSE ON THERE 

YOU NEED TO PUT A HORSE ON THERE

THERE'S TOO MANY MAN, TOO MANY MANY MAN, 

TOO MANY MAN, TOO MANY MANY MAN

I'm pretty sure that's fantastic. It's only been up for like half an hour, so the call from Reach Records probably won't come until tomorrow. 

Risk is a fantastic game. I'm not sure why. It's like the game itself isn't fun, but the half hour before it starts is inexplicably thrilling. It's like the rush you get before you dive into ice cold water, or during the setup time of a paintball game. Your mind and body ready themselves for an intense physical, mental and emotional challenge. If you lose, the game is always disappointing, but if you win, it's like all the grief and frustration of the last six hours is paid back three times over in the glory of your victory. It's basically a form of gambling that uses personal trauma as currency.

Why do we like what we like? I think we kind of choose what we want like a lot of the time. Like why love cats, or hats, or Risk or Groundhog Day? These are all fantastic things, but there are loads of fantastic things. How do you pick which ones you want to really treasure? It seems to me that professing love for many of these things actively increases the love I have for them. I was reading about Groundhog Day today when I should have been revising. Because it's got a relatively moralistic narrative about the human condition, loads of people of various religions understand it as kind of allegory for their own belief. Especially Buddhists, but also like everyone else. Director Harold Ramis writes:

'It always seemed ironic to me that it didn’t lead people to recognize the commonality of all their points of view, but rather, "This must be about us and only us.'

Interesting. My bud Dave Stewart thinks it's a poisonous celebration of basic moralistic self sufficiency, but I see it as an exploration of the dissatisfaction of worldly pleasure and the (seemingly) inescapable burden of our selfishness. It's after Phil tells Rita that he's "come to the end of [himself]" that he is enabled to love other people, and is thus set free from his perpetual unhappiness. For me, the most important message of Groundhog Day is the diagnosis of selfishness as the disease that has dissatisfaction as its symptom. Obviously from there I would springboard into our need for an omnibenevolent deity to liberate us from our own nature, but that's not really what the film is really about. It's a funny coincidence that most things we see convince us of the truth of what we already believe. But believe this: Groundhog Day is a fantastic film. One reviewer writes:

"Certainly I underrated it in my original review; I enjoyed it so easily that I was seduced into cheerful moderation. But there are a few films, and this is one of them, that burrow into our memories and become reference points. When you find yourself needing the phrase This is like "Groundhog Day" to explain how you feel, a movie has accomplished something."

When's the last time you watched Groundhog Day? What did you think about it? What does that say about you? If you've never seen it, hit me up around February second next year. Maybe after we've  watched it we can have like an essay writing competition or something.

Cool, groovy. Enjoy your summers, kids. 

Cat Tank

We've put the cat in a fish tank and we're not sure how she feels about it.

She seems a little uncertain, but also generally unphased; this is mostly how she feels about everything except ham and fish food. In fact it was with these very delicacies that we put her at ease following her distressing transition into her new place of residence.

The fish tank is as large as it is ugly, and would probably be wasted on the dull, translucent guppies who tirelessly roam the fifteen litre cube of yellowed water on far side of the room. A cat, however, can be easily housed without excessively burdening one's conscience.

"She doesn't look happy." Says my sister.

"When does the cat look happy?" I ask. She acknowledges the validity of my point. Cid is sometimes incredibly vocal, but those times tend to be between the hours of 1 and 3 AM. Presently, she is regarding us both with her default expression of inscrutability and vague discontentment. She is sat upright, as she often is when looking out of a window, which is effectively the case. Stroking induces a low pitched purring that echoes pleasantly around the glass chamber, and any attempt to pick up is met with loud hissing - both very normal behaviours.

The tank has a kind of glass 'inner lid', with only a small, rectangular opening in the centre. We toy with the idea that, like some of my more opinionated course mates, Cid does not acknowledge the existence of the glass ceiling. Ruth drapes a purple scarf over it to make sure that she knows she can climb out, and eventually she does. It is very cute because her tiny hind paws press up against the glass while she scrambles out of the little cat hole.

// END OF VERY CUTE ANECDOTE

It's Easter time and Jesus is still alive. As the Sunday in question draws near, I am increasingly inclined to incite the following call-and-response among my brothers and sisters in the Lord:

"He is Risen"

"He is Risen Indeed!"

"[Proclamation of delight]"

What a joyous time indeed. If some eager clergyperson / regenerate fellow engages your attention with talk of the good news over the next few weeks, why not give it a second thought? The intellect is steered by the will, and the man who never doubts his own world-view is unlikely to be justified in his thinking. If you're curious at all about the whole Easter thing, a good thing to read would be one of the biblical accounts of Jesus life. Who is this man? Why did so many of his contemporaries think him to be alive when his death was so undeniable? All this and more in any one of these surprisingly historical documents.

// END OF UNABASHED PROSELYTISATION

Yeah, I think I'm done.

I spent most of this morning writing a reading summary, which is a bit rubbish because it's all about the loss of information. You spend two and a half hours working and you only get 100 words to show for it.

Have fun every one, happy Easter holiday fun time.

// END OF BLOG POST

I am a Film Critic Now

Yesterday evening I went with my friend Arthas to a local cinema to see Jupiter Ascending.
[SPOILERS FOLLOW BUT IT'S NOT A FANTASTIC FILM SO I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT
IT]

Jupiter Ascending is about a girl called Jupiter Jones, who seems to spend most of the film in ironic freefall awaiting the reliable rescue of space-werewolf Channing Tatum (sigh). Channing Tatum does not fall because he always wears nice leather future-boots that allow him to surf 'differential equation waves'. Perhaps Channing Tatum does not understand how his boots work and is just trying to impress the random earth girl he met by sounding sciencey.

All of the freefalling and spaceships and planets were in headache-inducing 3-D, and yet the characters were still pretty monodimensional. The eponymous protaganist's only realy contribution to the narrative is that her DNA makes her a space princess. Other than that she just gets rescued a lot.

The worst part of the film is probably the conclusion, which features JJ celebrating her newfound sense of entitlement at the prospect of owning the planet by flying / making out with Channing Tatum. As far as I can tell, the message of the film is that it's okay to be useless because you are inherently special and maybe one day you can go out with Channing Tatum.

The best parts of the film are all the scenes with Idris Elba in. It's not even regular Idris Elba, he's all shiny like a rare Pokemon card. I also enjoyed the bit where one of the characters stated that 'bees undestand royalty', not as a poetic statement but as an actual scientific explanation of otherwise nonsensical events.

11/10 would be underwhelmed by inascusable pseudoscience again.

Also it is a very impressive publicity stunt that the movie has been released at the same time that Jupiter is actually visible in the night sky. Joe Chan and I were insisting to Jessie Hong that it was probably a planet, who was counter-insisting that it was definetely a star. We were right.

As good as this film was, it was not even the film highlight of my week. This is because Monday was GROUNDHOG DAY!!!

The last time I tried to watch Groundhog day, nobody came but my most reliable friend Martin Sherlaw. This time, there were about 15 people gathered round a warm fire, tucked under blankets in my front room, watching the most rewatchable movie of all time.

 

 

 

 

You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life

It was everything I ever dreamed it would be, and with any luck we can do it all again on February 2nd next year.

Also I'm a vegetarian now. One of the things I've learnt at university is that you don't have to be a hippie to make morally informed decisions.

Pentaceratops

I know it's early December, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about Easter eggs.

I have just finished my second bottle of Yazoo of the day. I bought them at one of those dimly lit international food stores while I was picking up milk. The label on the shelf said that they were two for one, which seemed good, but they didn't actually have a price attached. When I got to the counter, the counter-man audibly tallied my three milk products and promptly charged me three quid.

The milk was one of those which is designed to look like four pints but is really only two litres, which contributed to my feeling of having been perhaps slightly duped. Still, anything is better than lying awake in bed at night wondering if all of your house mates secretly hate you because you're consuming more milk than you provide.

What a very boring story. I also do exciting things, like that one time on Tuesday that I went to a pub quiz. I have written a short radio play about something that happened there:

Actual quotes are emboldened

Scenario: A pub. Chinking glasses, chit chat, all that sort of thing. A microphoneman is running a quiz through a reliable but low quality sound system. David and Isaac are sat at the same table, with some of their friends, who are also their fellow quizmen.

DAVID: "Oh boy I am having so much fun at this quiz it really is the knees on a bee"

ISAAC: (Communisticly) "Shuddup Dave"

D: "I do hope ever so much that we win. It was awful rummy getting the answer right on that picture round and claiming our lovely wine prize"

I: "Dave be quiet it's the next question and we have to listen so that we can hear it and then get it right when we answer so that we can win the whole quiz"

MICROPHONEMAN: "Question 21: What name did scientists give to a recently discovered, five horned dinosaur?"

D: (Quite logically) "What's the one with three horns... Triceratops. Uhh... Pentaceratops? I think it makes sense."

I: "It's not pentaceratops"

Isaac's pen scratches loudly on the paper as he writes something stupid.

D: "Dracorex Hogwartsia! That is a very stupid name for a dinosaur."

I: "They named a dinosaur that recently."

D: "I think my answer makes more sense"

I: "Dave, they stopped naming dinosaurs like that years ago. Anyhow, I know more about dinosaurs than you will ever know in your life.

The conversation swells and falls again, denoting the passing of time

MM: And the answer to question 21: The five horned dinosaur was named 'Pentaceratops'

D: Shouts at Isaac Stovell with great enthusiam and little restraint, spends the last twenty minutes of the evening blabbering on about how everyone should have listened to him.

END OF ACT ONE

Well, that is not a vary spatially efficient way of delivering anecdotes.

I did the prayer at the carol service, and didn't blunder it awfully, so that was nice.

My excitement about Christmas grows, and my desire to be home in London, combined with various deadlines, socials and other endeavours makes me feel a bit like this:

Slightly uneasy, but docile and lethargic as I await my homecoming.

This blog entry gets about 6/10, my life is not that exciting.

A Wee Adventure

From an interior design perspective, toilets are pretty interesting. Often they seem quite aesthetically removed from the larger building of which they are a part, and I propose that this is no accident. For most people, the practise of using public toilets is uncomfortable due to a perceived lack of privacy, the awkward juxtaposition of public location and private endeavour. What better way to nullify this discomfort than by designing such utilities so as to make them seem distant from their wider setting? About quarter of an hour ago, I had the pleasure of visiting a water closet which showcased this concept almost perfectly.

Just presently, I am sitting in St George's Church. It is not really a church at all, but a lecture theatre. Once a place of reverent worship and stunning architecture, it is now a nauseating celebration of the colour magnolia. The stained glass windows that run along the top of the magnolia walls are hidden behind large, magnolia curtains. The ceiling, also, is magnolia. Very big, very boring. Half cathedral, half retirement home sitting room.

But the toilets. Oh, the toilets.

I've attended lectures here at least twice a week for the last year of my life, and only this morning I visited the men's bathroom for the first time. They are a whispered secret, a hidden treasure.

The lighting is warm and dim, the walls a mysterious aquamarine. It's like looking up into the distant canopy of a deep, lush forest, or being alone and underwater. Perhaps it is like being in love. The following quote comes to mind:

"For twenty-three years he had remained celibate and heart-whole; land bound. Now for the first time he was far from shore, submerged among deep waters, below wind and tide, where huge trees raised their spongy flowers and monstrous things without fur or feather, wing or foot, passed silently, in submarine twilight. A lush place."

Evelyn Waugh - Scoop

No joke - the whole experience genuinely reminded me of that passage. The walls had this kind of dark green panelling on them which added a subtle depth and quiet liveliness to the overall experience. It was a little unfamiliar, and yet wonderfully comfortable; the overall feeling was one of being hidden. My words can only do so much justice to such immersive design. If you live in Sheffield, let me urge you to undertake similar ventures for yourself.

Another very good Sheffield University toilet can be found downstairs in the Stephenson building, but that's another story for another day.

Sometimes people say that they like blog because it does not take a very long time to read. I have spoken for a while about going to the toilet.

Goodbye.

Not a Lot

Hello.

It's back
The blog is back
Wipe away your tears
Read my blog
Think I'm cool

I tried a little bit to write a post before, but it was far too long and boring.

What have you been doing this week Dave?

I have been playing a lot of the Team Fortress 2 Halloween event. Perhaps too much of it. Definitely too much. Kill wizard, get hat. The hats aren't real, nor are the wizards. The same cannot be said of the invested time.

Writing a blog is a useful aid in critically evaluating your personal time use. Why don't you waste some of your personal time looking at this wonderful GIF?

MAJESTIC AS CAT

These are the best cats the internet has to offer. They belong to an Asian man who posts videos of them on YouTube.

NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN THIS CUTE BEFORE

I have also been utilising YouTube to further explore the work of Shai Linne, both old and new. Why expand your music taste when you can just reinforce your existing preferences. Why use YouTube to listen to music when Spotify is a thing? Yeah good question.

Hey you know something exciting I did that didn't involve the internet? I went to this wild party:



The video is only thirty seconds long, but the whole thing actually went for a considerably longer amount of time. I went to a real life rave and had a wonderful time. I also had about two hours sleep before getting up to do sound the next day at church.

It's no secret that university is absolutely mental. I find myself exposed daily to a flood of new ideas and experiences. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes it is puzzling, all times it is fascinating.

Relatively boring post, but hopefully the fire is rekindled. Make life more exciting, write exciting blog about it. Monetise blog and become a millionaire.