Don't Drink and Dive

I've been developing hobbies which put my health at risk.

Mixology

Mixology is cocktail making. I'm not really sure why they call it that, because 'cocktail making' gives people a lot more information using exactly the same number of syllables. All that really matters is that it's a socially acceptable way to drink alone.

About two days ago I was playing with the idea of becoming a professional bartender. For just fifteen hundred pounds you can spend a month learning the craft at a prestigious international bartender school, whereafter you will promptly be snapped up by some classy watering hole and never have to worry about anything again. The only drawbacks are that you sometimes work for six hours at a time without breaks, and you can never see anybody you love ever again because they're always asleep.

I will probably not become a professional bartender. I might see if I can get some work over the summer or something. Besides, it would be pretty stupid to accrue debt at a rate of over a grand a month in order to obtain a qualification you weren't really sure you were wanted.

Well, here's a cocktail recipe:

(by the way a measure is 25ml)

Scotch Solace

1 measure scotch

1/2 measure Cointreau

1 tsp clear honey

1 measure double cream

15cl milk

Okay shake it all with some ice, then strain it into a tumbler.

Some recipes say you put everything in the serving glass and stir, but that's lazy / total bunk. Dairy needs shaking innit.

Grate a little orange zest over the top. It should look very beautiful, like in this well-lit, high resolution photograph:

this place sure is classy

I left all my cocktail making stuff at home, so I put this together using a mason jar, a sieve and several teaspoon measures in combination. I used some 'Smoky Black Grouse' that was reduced to clear in Sainsburys. Rich and well rounded, but a little peaty. I think it works well here. 

A measure is a tablespoon and two teaspoons
Half a measure is two and a half teaspoons
If you don't hold the mason jar's lid down firmly, you'll get milk on the floor
You can't pour from a mason jar through a sieve into a mug

It's difficult to mix using a mason jar, and a lot of the honey got stuck to the bottom. I advise putting the honey in last and shaking immediately.

Ngl this was pretty nice. I was a little apprehensive about the milk - orange combo, but it works. The zest makes a noticeable difference to the drink's olfactory profile. 

It's pretty easy drinking, would probably be good for getting restless kids to sleep. I remember thinking "this tastes a lot like milk" and "I think my little sister would drink this". I'll probably use a bit less milk next time and see what happens.

health jeapordising hobby number two

bin-diving

Sometimes there's a blurry line between pursuing a sustainable lifestyle and just trying to be really edgy. I've been looking for free food in bins. Don't tell my mum.

I now owe my mother my life twice over, thanks to her timely and well informed reply to a text I sent her asking if it was safe to eat chicken that was a week out of date. My friend Ash also helped me to make the right decision, so the credit for my unspoiled vitality goes partly to him.

No joke bin diving's pretty profitable if you know where to look. Y'all don't know where to look and I'm not going to tell you. Here's my first haul:

• Packet of chicken kievs
• Two packets of sausages
• Packet of bacon

Look Mum I know you sometimes read my blog because you love me despite my deplorable copy-editing skills. Please don't be concerned by my stealing raw meat from bins. I am being very careful. Thank you for telling me not to eat the chicken. I love you very much.

So yeah my hobbies are drinking and climbing into bins. Maybe my dream job is homelessness. Excitingly, I'm going to go bin diving right now and then come back and tell you what I find.

little stars idk:

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LADS I DONE GOOD

Everything I got last time came out of this one bin behind Morrissons, but that was basically empty this evening. As far as I could tell a homeless person had nabbed a couple of uncooked garlic breads and taken them to his / her nearby cardboard sleeping zone.

Not content with failure, I marched round to the tiny Broomhill Tesco. Before long I found myself the proud owner of:

• Six little packets of fruit (sterilizing presently.)
• A couple of bags of carrots, one bag of potatoes (bagged up and in cupboard)
• Pseudo butter
• Two large potatoes (since discarded due to perforations in packaging)

There was a huge surplus of carrots and margarine, but I just took what I felt I could manage.

That seems like a pretty good haul. 

BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE DEAR READER

Courtesy of Boots and Save the Children, I now possess:

• Three sealed Olay eye lifting serums, coming in at a combined RRP of £30
• Some Bay Rum, which I have begun to dutifully rub into my scalp
• The Graduate on DVD
• Pavarotti and Friends Vol.2
• Sinatra: The Ultimate Christmas
• An egg sandwich that went off today
• A worn Italian briefcase
• Two authentically American straw gambler hats, in need of renovation. 

As I was leaving two blokes came out of Balti King and asked me, in quite broken English, what I was doing. I mumbled something about 'up-cycling' and we all smiled approvingly.  Exciting stuff.

Here are my top tips for getting free stuff out of bins:

• Don't eat stuff if you're not sure about it (ask your Mum)
• Make sure stuff is sealed off
• Sterilise stuff with very got water
• Be aware that the process of heating and cooling some sealed packets can cause them to open a little bit.
• Wear gloves
• Wear a head-torch
• Yeah that's about it.