This should be my new superhero name; this week I have:
- Scared away that mean cat that comes in the garden to intimidate him. (For which he uber loved me)
- Given life guidance to some really irritating small people who were complete strangers
- Competed in a climbing competition, and set a trend by way of method on this one particular boulder
- Taught Ava Keane to say 'We all love Dave.'
Upon any level of inspection, all these things are admirable and manly. This got me to thinking: 'What is manliness?' A good question indeed.
On the one level, manliness is a raw, unrefined henchness, and a desire to tear people apart to protect your loved ones, or just because you're really mad. Classic examples include Gimley from Lord of the Rings saying 'And my axe!', The Heavy from Team Fortress 2 killing people whilst laughing manically, and that guy in The Last of the Mohicans who says 'Stay alive. Whatever happens, I will find you!' (that last one slips a little into other forms of manliness as well). This is the kind of manliness that is what you have to channel to do a really hard thing in a climbing competition, when you go 'Gh-aerr!' and do something really physically demanding that completely murks your stamina. That is manliness in its purest form, it is without motive, but is merely an iron will with no direction, chanelled by whatever means seems most impressive and demanding at the time.
Another level of manliness is the whole 'protecting your loved ones' type. So, for example, that thing above where he says he will find her (he does, but then they all die), or in Lord of the Rings (just finished watching it - manly film) when that guy dies and Arragon just goes beserk, but without compromising skill, and kills about a bragillion Orcs. Completely off topic, why do the Orc archers never shoot when it's most convenient, apart from that one part in number one where they kill that guy, and why are stampeding horses completely unnaffected by the whole 'wall of spears' thing? Anyways, I showed this kind of manliness when I strutted up to that big, ugly old cat and was like: 'hey mangy hair face, get off Cid's patch!' He ran away, and Cid was just really happy with me, so he was all rubbing his face on me. (Off topic again, the things I have had rubbing their faces on me out of affection in my life time are: cats, dogs, rabbits and girls. Seriously) Back to that thing that we were talking about just now - that is another great form of manliness, because although that cat was obviously going to run away, and I didn't even get the oportunity to kick / maim it, it was manly because I stood up for the oppressed, and took a hit for the pack, which is what men do.
Telling kids about how much they are lame is quite manly, but more just fun. I educated these complete strangers of about year 8 age on the topics of Japanese culture, being not confrontational, not using 'gay' as an insult and not being jerks who are always looking for a fight. They were seriously confrontational, they kept making fun of me (in the most ridiculously childish and hillarious ways) in front of all my friends, and then he kept almost hitting me and being like 'why you scared?' I think he was a bit confused by the experience of meeting someone who didn't want to hit him for a change. This was not, strictly, the case, but I let him believe it.
Teaching Ava to say 'We all love Dave' is in hindsight, not very manly. But it was quite fun. So far, all I have imparted, over the course of a few car journeys, into that childs life is how to say how much everyone loves me, how to spud someone, say the word gun and (my personal favourite) fully load and fire a six barrel, semi-automatic Maverick.
Also, I had the thought of busking in London with a license today. The things I require are:
1. Electric Kazoo
2. Busking licences being free
3. A lack of people who want to beat me up.
I might find something to replace that education thing at the bottom. If those people want laptops, they could at least put together a working gadget.
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